The grass is greener on the other side

Is a bullshit statement/saying. You think multi-millionaires are crying themselves to sleep wishing they could live paycheck to paycheck and worrying if they can send their kids to college? I highly doubt it.

ESPN is definitely pulling their weight

In terms of advertising they really do have some sweet ones. I suppose the ones for Sports Center are the ones that are usually the more entertaining ones.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31UNBC24_Ug

Get off of Michael Vick's nuts

OK I'm not saying that I'm an advocate for cruelty to animals but honestly, the man has done his time and deserves a second chance. What really pisses is the irony of it all and just how people put dogs up on a pedestal as if they are more important than other animals. People are fine with the brutal mass slaughter of cows and pigs and chickens as long as they get their steaks and hot dogs and nuggets, but as soon as Lassie and Rin-tin-tin come under attack suddenly everyone's an activist. How the sheer level of hypocrisy has escaped so many people is beyond me. If Vick went to jail then was isn't the CEO of McDonald's and Burger King? Oh yeah I forgot the law has decided that animals that aren't widely considered as domesticated pets aren't important enough to protect. For some reason dog fighting is illegal but mass cow killing isn't. Maybe if Vick ate the dogs after they fought, people wouldn't be so upset.

Mayor McCheese

This is another nickname. I like cheese and everyone agrees that I should be mayor. Not necessarily of a city, but just of anything that needs to be mayored. If I was mayor things would be different. People could no longer say "ginormous" or send pictures of themselves or families as greeting cards. Also, whoever does the voice of the Juggernaut in those X-Men My Way videos on youtube would be my vice mayor because that guy has to be the funniest man alive.

Origin of "The Itis"

This is actually a nickname that not too many people outside of Fairfax, VA know about. I received this name because I am famous for eating a lot of shitty foods and then almost instantly passing out for hours and blowing off my friends. It actually became known as "pulling a Jeff" which actually was somewhat flattering for me. I suppose I wish that "pulling a Jeff" was the act of having sex with two chicks on a pile of cash, but I'll take what I can get. Anyway, "The Itis is a term that is usually associated with that feeling you get after you eat a lot of bad food. I am referring to the sleepy feeling not the feeling of a sick stomach and an overactive ass. As the story goes I started giving reasons as to why I could not do certain things was because I was suffering from "The Itis". After using this as an excuse several times, people started referring to me as "The Itis", and the name stuck. Well, at least in one county.

Gambling is the best addiction

I love it. Just last weekend I won like $350 sitting on my ass watching basketball. Then it got me thinking, gambling really is the best addiction. Whereas other addictions ruin lives and kill people everyday, gambling only brings happiness and lots of money. That is unless you lose, then I'm sure it's pretty lousy, but me, I'm a winner.

Can't watch soccer either

Pretty much just like hockey but on grass. It's about as exciting as watching paint dry. Nothing ever happens and there's only scoring in like 30 seconds of the game combined. I remember I was once talking to a buddy of mine who said he had gone to a soccer game and said he had fun. I replied "That's cool, what was the score" "0-0..." sounds pretty thrilling, doesn't it.

I can't watch hockey

I'm fully aware they know what they're doing out there but it looks so sloppy and uncoordinated that it's hard to believe a bunch of drunk, blind chimps couldn't look just as good on the ice(and no way is hockey even close to as entertaining as the chimps would be). The only thing that is even keeping the sport watchable anymore is the spontaneous fights that occur. I've heard that recently the team owners are trying to get rid of the fights in an attempt to "class" up the game. To me this would be like taking the nudity out of porn. It would completely kill it. Hockey is not a classy sport so it shouldn't pretend like it is or that it is trying to be. Maybe they should add more violence. Brass knuckles, lead pipes, maybe some large predatory animals( polar bears would make the most sense I guess). Sure this might be sick and depraved and inhumane but I guarantee more people would tune in, myself included.

I should be the GM of the Redskins

Every year the Redskins are supposed to be the team to beat because of the extremely high payroll and some over the hill free agent they bring in that is supposed to be the missing piece of the puzzle and every year they end up finishing with a mediocre record and a fan base that continues to be in limbo because they blindly believe that they are close to being an elite contender. Finally the Redskins have been exposed for the joke of a football franchise that they are and this idiot owner of a team still believes that he and his lap dog(current head of personnel that is basically the GM, Vinny Cerrato) are on the right track to eventually make this team a dynasty. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I should be the GM of this team, or at least I could be. I could collect a paycheck for ungodly amounts of money and drive a once proud professional sports franchise into the ground. At least I would pretend like I knew what I was doing and wouldn't keep doing the same dumb shit and ignoring the glaring needs of the team.

End censorship on TV and radio.

Honestly, who are they protecting? Children? In this day and age it seems like by the time a child is old enough to talk, they are also old enough to swear and usually by the age of 6 know about as much about sex as their parents. Are they protecting the ultra religious? Does anyone care what they think anyway? They mostly only listen to Christian rock anyway and watch shows that are about as exciting as a box of pig shit. Censorship really does stifle entertainment media. Trying to listen or watch something and having constant *beeps* or changing the words around to something that sounds absolutely ridiculous replacing the word they are trying to get rid of just kills it. Though sometimes that is hilarious. I was once watching The Matrix on TBS, and it was that scene where they were interrogating Keanu Reeves and he still didn't know shit and he said something along the lines of "How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call". In the TBS version he said "How about I give you the flipper..." they actually censored the word "finger" and replaced it with "flipper"? I was laughing my ass off. Next time TBS, why don't you just try not showing his finger.

Burger monuments? Why not?

We have enough statues up in Richmond of people who attempted to violently overthrow the government, why not put up a few statues of things that people actually give a shit about. While your at it Richmond, add tits, illegal fireworks, and PBR among things that should be sculpted in stone. This is the south after all.

Fat homeless people

Continue to baffle me. How much are they making panhandling? I have a roommate that blows through money like he was printing it off in the basement. Most of his budget goes toward how much food he can eat without exploding. Pretty sure he has a death wish, but even he wouldn't match the weight of the left leg of some of these whales that are begging for food so they won't starve. Maybe next time beg for change for the liposuction. At least that isn't a kick in the nuts to our intelligence.

I will never have Geico car insurance

Yes, just because of their commercials. They are offensive to anyone that's smart enough to not run into closed doors or not forget to breathe. Besides Nationwide is where it's at anyway. They will stick with you no matter how many parking meters you plow over. Think I'm kidding? Just try it.

Too lazy to get a job? Sue someone!!!

In these times harsh economic times, it is sometimes hard for your average booze bingin', glue sniffin', Everybody Loves Raymond watchin' college student to get a job. On top of it actually being difficult to get a job, most of this demographic is also usually too stupid or lazy to either get a job or hold one assuming somehow they miraculously lie enough to land a job to begin with. So how is this lazy unmotivated group supposed to sustain themselves so they can continue to bring nothing to the table? The solution is simple; sue someone.

Next time you go into Best Buy, go into the stereo system, turn the volume all the way up, turn the power on and blow your ears out. Best Buy won't want bad publicity and will probably settle out of court for five figures. Auditory damage not your thing? How about trying to dive in front of an expensive looking car? Yeah this could leave you in worse shape than the stereo but assuming you do live through it you'll be set for life(as much as a life that a vegetable could have, but let's face it, your lifestyle probably isn't far off vegetable status now). If you're trying to keep yourself completely out of physical harm(pussy), get a friend to get a job at a local fast food restaurant. After they've worked there a few weeks, have them drop a dead mouse in the friar. Then when you're going to eat your fries you happen to find the fried mouse carcass in your food and sue. It would probably be nice to cut your friend in for 10% but it was your idea. Of course this plan involves getting an actual friend which most of the above probably don't have. Bottom line is that work is for suckers. Always try to think of ways to cut corners and cheat the system. Or steal...

Whose your target market Cialis?

Am I the only person that thinks its weird that they keep putting on ads for erectile dysfunction during college football games? I mean I'm sure there are older gentleman that watch college football games, but the majority of the audience I would say would have to be high octane slightly post-adolescent beer drinking males. Is Cialis saying that it is this group that can no longer be aroused by the norm(young attractive females)? Or maybe even worse, is this the only company that will sponsor college football anymore? Maybe Cialis is a lot more powerful in the advertising world than I would have expected. Maybe even more powerful in general. New World Order anyone?

Snickers continues to set the bar

Not only in candy bars but in terms of awesome advertising. There really isn't much out there now that doesn't make you shake your head in disgust of what the human race is capable of(or isn't). However, Snickers has shown me recently that this is still hope and that some ad people really do have a sense of humor. For your viewing pleasure.

Get dunked on by Patrick Chewing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBF1lsZUlUI

Get some nuts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi4DEdUmA6A&feature=related

Inspiration

There is not much out there that really inspires me when it comes to creating anything, especially ads. In fact, what drives me more then anything else are things that I consider subpar and I will try to go above and beyond to outdo those "works". However, every so often an ad comes along that I consider to be extraordinary. The following are some examples of ads that have positively influenced me.

Budweiser clown suit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKy_gLPZFzE

Rolling Rock Beer Ape

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FBWI7XNMH4

Cadbury Ape

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnzFRV1LwIo&feature=related

Leave Nothing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlXRengzZoc&feature=related

Sony Balls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Bb8P7dfjVw

I know re-watching these made my afternoon. I can already feel a renewed sense of inspiration bubbling up now. At least I hope that's what that is...